Challenging ageism through everyday conversations

Ageism is a prejudice that’s hidden in plain sight. It’s not always obvious and most people haven’t thought about it before. More worryingly, our research suggests that 1 in 10 people believe ageism doesn’t exist. It’s become so normalised as part of everyday life that it makes it difficult to recognise, even if we’re subjected to it. At the end of the day, we can’t challenge something unless we’re aware of it. We know it can feel difficult to have the confidence to challenge ageism and enter into a conversation about it without having some facts up your sleeve. So, below are some ways you might see or hear ageism.

• In social situations or online, where negative comments about ageing and older people are normalised or dismissed as harmless banter  
• In comments we make about ourselves. ‘I’m too old for that’, ‘I’m having a senior moment’, ‘Not at my age’ 
• In everyday interactions. People being spoken down to and patronised e.g. in the doctors’ surgery or in shops  
• In employment and the workplace. People applying for jobs but being turned down because of their age, even if not explicitly told this is the reason. Older workers not receiving the same opportunities for development and training
• In access to healthcare. For example, receiving medication rather than counselling for a mental health problem. People can also assume they deserve less treatment because of their age, for example, you experience pain in your knee but don’t go to the doctor because you think it’s what you should expect at your age
• In the mass media, where older people are either not featured in films or adverts or reduced to damaging stereotypes.

You can learn more about ageism and its impact in our Frequently Asked Questions. 

We see and hear casual ageism every day in the media, on TV, at work, in pubs and cafes, on social media, in family conversations. We all joke about the perceived downsides of ageing, even those of us who are older. These are all ideal opportunities to call out ageism, to ask people to reflect and think differently, to start a conversation about the topic. How you respond may depend on the situation you’re in and who’s made the ageist comment, or used ageist language or phrases. This might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, which is natural. But never put yourself in a situation where you might be or feel unsafe. 

• If someone refers to you, or an older person using patronising words or phrases (“Dear” / “wrinkly” / “come on grandad” / “little old lady”). When you reply you might swap out the ageist word or phrase with a more appropriate one, for example, referring to yourself or the other person by their name, or describing them as an older person, man or woman. This is a subtle way to challenge ageist language without making the person who said it feel defensive
• If someone makes a stereotypical assumption about you, or someone else, because of their age, for example, that we can’t learn new things or become stuck in our ways as we get older. When you reply you might question the basis of that assumption or ask them to explain their logic more fully. This allows the person to reflect on what they’re basing that assumption on; it could be misinformation. You could then follow it up with useful evidence that might dispel that stereotype (eg actually research has shown people aged over 50 improve workforces, making them more innovative and productive). 
• If you hear a joke that feels offensive, you might want to ask the person to explain the joke or punchline for you. This can help people see the negative stereotypes that underpin the joke, supporting them to reflect on how that might be received or make you or someone else feel. 
• If a compliment comes with a less-flattering qualifying statement such as “for your age”. For example: “You look great... for your age”. Or it might even be the compliment: “You don’t look your age”. You might want to respond by acknowledging the compliment as intended. Point out that the reference to age probably isn’t necessary or fair – people can look good regardless of age. You might want to use humour to state the obvious – “I am X age, so I guess this is what people my age look like”.

If you hear an ageist comment, responses to have to hand could include: 

• That’s not funny to me.
• That sounds ageist.
• Was age relevant to the story?
• I’m sorry, could you explain that to me? 
• That comment makes me feel uncomfortable / worthless / invisible / irrelevant 
• I wonder if you’ve considered the impact of your words? 
• You might not realise it but …
• I don’t think you can make generalisations like that based on someone’s age.
• People can be like that at any age.

If you have the time, you might decide that you’d like to host a discussion or workshop in your community, workplace, or amongst friends and family to talk about ageism. You might consider timing these to coincide with the Age Without Limits Action Day, as part of the UN’s International Day of Older Persons, or a time that suits you and your participants best. 

Exploratory questions to help you plan

• What aspects of ageism would I like to address with this group?
• What are my goals for the discussion? What would I like to get out of it? 
• What change do I want to help bring about?
• Is it a one-off discussion or might we meet more than once?
• Who should be included in the group?
• What venue should we use? 

Possible formats

• A small group of friends or members of a local club meeting once or twice – a bit like a book club discussion.
• A workshop with colleagues at your workplace.
• A larger, public meeting where you invite panellists such as councillors and MPs, professionals from local organisations and services (don’t forget to see if you’re part of an Age-friendly Community and invite a representative along!).
• A community-wide dialogue composed of multiple meetings where you discuss different aspects of ageism and how it affects local people (perhaps using some of the suggested prompts below). 

Consider who to invite 

• A mix of all ages
• Friends and family members
• People from local clubs or services you attend, or organisations you volunteer at
• Workplace colleagues including managers
• Local councils, health and wellbeing boards, the voluntary sector in your area
• Your local Age-friendly Community.
• Local stakeholders who work with or represent older people from charity, private and public settings

A (more formal) agenda 

• Welcome
• Introductions – invite people to introduce themselves (consider using nametags for groups who don’t know each other)
• Purpose – describe your hope for the time
• Establish ground rules (see a possible list to get your going below)
• Prompt discussion through questions (we’ve given you some suggestions below, but you may already know what aspects of ageism you want to explore). It helps to periodically summarise what people have said
• Summarise the entire session before wrapping up

Possible ground rules (invite the group to make changes and suggestions)

• Be here now – set phones and electronic devices aside
• Listen and ask questions – take a curious stance, speak from your own experience, and ask each other questions
• Respect confidentiality – at the end of the conversation, take the learning with you, but leave names and specifics behind
• Participate to the fullest of your ability – if you hear your voice a lot, pause and listen. If you haven’t heard your voice, speak up. Try to include every individual voice around the table

Example questions that might help: 

To set the context 

• What does the word “ageism” mean to you? Have you heard it before?
• Do you think ageism exists in this country? if so, what does it look like?
• In what ways does ageism impact your everyday life?
• Why is it important to talk about ageism?
• What is it about ageism that worries you the most?
• What things do you think need to change to help end ageism? 

To help people to explore their own beliefs about ageing:

• What beliefs about ageing do you hold?
• How do you feel about telling people your age?
• Think of a situation in which you wanted to know a person’s age. Why? What changed when you learnt it?
• How do you think attitudes have changed since your parents were your age? What has stayed the same?
• When do you recall first noticing age differences?
• Do you think in negative ways about yourself as you get older?
• Does your age lead you to limit the activities you do or the way you live your life (for example, only taking part in what you / others consider “age appropriate” activities, or dressing in an ’age appropriate’ ways). 

To help people explore their own experiences:

• What does the statement “You look good for your age”? imply about being older?
• Have you ever witnessed someone being treated unfairly because of their age? If so, how did you respond? How did it make you feel?
• Where do you notice ageism in your life (it could be your personal life, career, healthcare, in the media, on TV, or in advertising)? 
• How does this affect the way you think about ageing?
• Have you ever experienced a situation in which your age seemed to contribute to a problem or uncomfortable situation?
• What have you heard others say about your age or other people’s age? How did it make you feel? How did it impact your perspective, including your thoughts, feelings and actions towards others and towards yourself?