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“Ageism is so much more on the agenda here in the UK.”
Originally from London, Diane spent the majority of her forties and fifties living in Thailand. When she came back to the UK in 2019, she was shocked by how invisible she was made to feel. Here she shares experiences, from ageist reactions to her grey hair to being patronised in a supermarket.
“When I hit my forties, I made the life-changing decision to move abroad. I rebuilt my life in Thailand, setting up English programmes and eventually managing a school in a very rural rice farming community. I stayed there for 16 years.
“In Thailand people looked at me differently because of the colour of my skin, but ageism never impacted on me – ever. There, age was seen as something of value, as something that brings knowledge. Ageism is so much more on the agenda here in the UK.
“During the pandemic I ended up with a bad haircut, so I just shaved it off. I thought, ‘Who cares? It’ll grow back.’ My hair was naturally red and I’d always coloured it, but now it was growing back grey. I thought I’d just leave it for the time being. But then, because I was an older woman with really short grey hair, people would tell me I reminded them of Judi Dench. But Judi is 89, and I’m only 62!
“Around that time, I was staying with a friend who’s only five years younger than me. She was doing up her house, and the builders thought I was her mum! And again, I realised it was because my hair was grey. It made me feel demoralised and, in the end, I gave in and coloured my hair again, which I felt really bad about. But I was being made invisible enough as it was.
“I was in Morrison's recently and the woman on the checkout was trying to get me to buy into their shop card. I tried to check it out on my phone but the internet wasn’t working. And the woman, who was in her twenties, said to me, “Leave it for now, but when you get back home to your family or your grandchildren, perhaps they can help you.” I just looked at her and said, ‘It’s my internet’, but I felt insulted. It’s that classic thing of being grouped into this 65+ age range who clearly can’t do anything.
That kind of ageism happens all the time, with people making those incredibly bold assumptions. If I ask a question, there’s an assumption that I’m asking because I don’t understand as opposed to it just being something I’m interested in finding out more about.
“I’ll go into a shop and know I’m being treated in a different way. I’ll get called ‘dear’, which I don’t think would have happened when I was 30. If there's more than one customer, I know I won't be the person who will have a conversation directed at them by the shop assistant. This can impact on you. It's all about that invisibility, which is just so frightening.
“I don't put up with it all the time. I try to be polite but I will make people aware that it's not something I'm appreciative of. I'm still able - very able. How can my face - because that's what it boils down to - impact on how people are relating to me? Because that's all it is. My physical appearance.
“I feel there needs to be more diversity in imagery of women. You're only allowed to be older if you're still looking really glamourous. You’re not allowed to look like a real older person.
“I went into a job where I had comments like, ‘Now that you’re long in the tooth…’. And even though I’ve worked with young people for my whole career, I had, 'We don't know if you'd be appropriate to do that particular piece of work because it's with younger people’. That kind of thing really affects you.
“I’ve been in job interviews recently and felt that systemic stuff going on that no one’s allowed to talk about because there’s rules and regulations against it. But your gut tells you that you’re being seen in a different way. You know they’re thinking, ‘Will they be able to get up to speed on that?’, especially when it comes to technology. But I use technology every day. Social media is not some strange dark shadow in my life. It’s all unspoken but you definitely know it. And there’s the dilemma: we're meant to work and be economically viable entities but only if we don't look our age.”
